MENDED HEART

This is how I picture my heart. Patched and stitched, scarred and a little rough around the edges and a band aid covering a little non healing wound. It was shattered about 7 years ago by someone who betrayed my trust, lied to me, cheated on me, deceived me, stripped me of self esteem and left me believing that I would live the rest of my life alone, never to trust a man with my heart again. **Sound of loud sliding metal gates slamming shut, clinking of chains being pulled through and clunking of large metal key turning a lock.

Some of you will know the journey I have travelled and looking back (in which hindsight is 20/20 vision) I realise that this man was never going to be with me forever, he was too self absorbed, carried a massive chip on his shoulder, was insecure and needed someone to place him on a pedestal and make him feel good about himself.  The minute I held expectations of him, higher than he was prepared to give, I became redundant. I didn't realise it at the time, but I do now; I will say, however, that he did serve a purpose, he taught me several positive things about myself and that is the reason why I believe he came into my life. For those of you that have never read, Google 'Season, Reason, Lifetime'. I found this piece after the end of the aforementioned relationship and it put many things into perspective. I now live by this thought process, that people come into your life for a season, a reason or for a lifetime. To teach you something, to give you a gift, or perhaps for you to teach someone or give someone a gift, and yes maybe be with you for a lifetime. I have a couple of friends who will fall into this category, but is it possible to have a significant other for this period of time? For me, the answer is no, but everywhere is littered with stories of people who have met, committed and been together until the day they die. I see it, but I'm not sure I believe in it.

When I married in 1986, I believed, truly believed that I would be married to this man for the rest of my life. We talked about loving each other forever and what we would do when the kids had grown up and moved away. It didn't happen, it broke, we changed and I lost believing in forever. So when I met the next significant other in my life I did not believe in love forever. I would never say or write 'I love you forever', but he did. Many written prose, in cards and poetry, sit in my memory box, in which he declared undying love for me, loving me forever, and yet he was the one that ended it. Proving to me that you can't love someone forever. As a society do we have it all wrong? We seem to think we have evolved from animals and we place expectations on society that there can only be one person for you in life. One person that you will spend the rest of your life with, pro-create with, travel through life with and yet there would be what, only 1% of animals that follow this protocol? The internet reliably tells me that there are 11 animals that mate for life, the majority of these are birds and fish, not sure that has a baring on the subject, but I guess not many are mammals (of which humans are a member of) so are we expecting society to conform to something that by it's very nature is not something that is inherit in our DNA.

And so I return to the prose, 'Season, Reason, Lifetime' and believe and follow the lesson in all the people I met along the way. However, once again, I have digressed from the original intent of this blog, it's been 7 years since my heart, or perhaps my soul was stomped on, numbed from ever being able to feel love for another significant other, or letting them in, to allow them near my insecurities, to touch the rawness of my damaged self esteem, to see my vulnerabilities, to hold my feelings in the palm of their hand, as if they were snowflakes, sensitive to heat, easy to melt, and not exist, except as a pool of liquid that will evaporate in the eventually in the sequence of time. I had the Meatloaf song floating around in my mind "Two out of three", almost an anthem because I honestly believed that I would never find love again, that I would never trust someone with my inner most parts of myself, I may travel a road with them for a period of time, learn a lesson or teach a lesson, but never love again. And yet, once again I have discovered that God, Mohammed, Buddha, Allah, The Ethos, or who ever else you want to label the divine force, has other plans for me.

I will, of course, keep you up to date..............................

CONDUIT

So it has been some time since my last blog, over two years, so in order to bring everything up to day this is a conduit blog, just imagine it being a fast forward of your favourite Soapie through the bits that aren't interesting..........Been there, done that and got the remote to prove it.

I have a gorgeous, independent, awe-inspiring grand daughter, who has moved in with her Mum and lives with us. Each and every day is an adventure, a learning curve on how a two year old views the world and the joy in watching my son be a father, my other son being an uncle and my daughter being an Aunty. And what a great job they are doing. I have also taken on another child, well not really a child, child, but another then teenager, my grand daughter's mother who has become my other daughter and I have had to teach her how to be a mother and be there to support her during some very difficult times with her own family. It certainly became a very busy household the day Emelia was born, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Twenty-three days after Emelia was born, her father turned 18. Yes it was a busy, but great couple of weeks and the father of my children came from overseas where he was living and spent a couple of weeks with us, to meet his grand daughter and to be here to celebrate his son's 18th. He stayed here with us, yes he spent about three weeks in my home bonding with his grand daughter and spending time with his kids. It was good to see, and yet so many people around me just couldn't understand how I had the capacity to allow my ex, the man who had caused me so much emotional grief in the preceding ten years, to live in my house as a guest, but really it was quite simple, I loved my children more than I disliked my ex, and their happiness was far more important to me than the hurt he caused. Yes a great capacity to forget the hurt and pain and put other's feelings ahead of my own. But, I will say it did go towards mending a few bridges between the two of us.

Forward another year and Emelia is turning one and being christened. Again Poppy came from overseas to spend a couple of weeks with his grand daughter and his kids AND again I offered to let him stay. What I didn't know at the time was that he had lost his job where he was living and so he needed to apply for another working visa for a new job and his time with us turned into almost three months. Yes three months, he lived here, many times sitting around the dinner table with the kids as if it was old times, laughing and remembering times of younger years. And again more bridges were built, and conversations that should have been had many years ago, were had, things seemed settled. However, without going into it, he did something or he allowed something to happen that hurt me and my capacity to forgive once again has diminished to zilch, zero, nada. He will not have the opportunity to spend time with his children or grand daughter in my home again.

My three kids, well, the eldest has started his own business and doing really well at it. He is happy again, deep down happy and forging his way in the world. My daughter, has flown the coop. she has spread her wings and moved to the other side of the world and has grown into a beautiful, wonderful woman with so much ahead of her, but I miss her like crazy. And as for the father of my grand daughter, he is doing wonderfully, he has changed employers, is happier, is a great dad and growing into a wonderful man.

Travel, lots of lovely travel, China, Ireland, Milan, New York, Viet Nam and many others on the horizon.

And I have recently just gotten back on the dating bandwagon after a two year break, a break that allowed me time to confirm and discover where I want to go in a relationship, what I want in a partner for life and what I am and am not prepared to put up with. I had been with someone since I was 18 years old, 21 years with my ex and 7 years with another significant relationship. In the first three years of 'being on my own' I went pursuing a relationship, someone to fill the void of not having a significant other, but for the last two years, being on my own has allowed me time to discover me, a new me. Oh the old me is still there, some things you can't change, but many things you can. I am me, more positive, although the demons are still there, waiting to bubble over and crust over like a pot of rice on the stove. But I continue to change and grow and probably will continue to finesse who I am until the day I die.

I'M GOING TO BE A NANNY

One never really contemplates at what time in their life they will discover that they are going to become a grandparent; for me it was two days before my 49th birthday.

One never really contemplates how they will react when they discover that they are going to become a grandparent; for me it was shock.

One never really contemplates which of their three children will make them a grandparent for the first time; for me it is my 17 year old son.

And so, no, it's not conventional, and no it's not what I would wish for my 17 year old child, but once you go through all the thoughts and emotions, fears, concerns of yourself, your child AND the mother of the child, and the decision is made that there is going to be a baby in your life, you start to feel this little bubble of excitement; wrapped in fear, tied up with apprehension and sprinkled with a little bit of concern.

For the last three or four months, I have gone through every scenario in my head about the baby, what it will mean for my son, for his girlfriend, for the baby, for me, for my family. I have listened to my son's fears and concerns, worries and troubles, I have seen his girlfriend apprehensive, scared, and I have feared for what the future may hold for these two, soon-to-be-parents. I have cried for the new directions these two lives are now taking, cried that my Mum and Dad will not be here to see their first great grandchild, but never have I feared what my family and friends thought. I trusted that they would be there with love, not condemnation when the time came; and I was right. We have not had ONE negative comment apart from concern, but everyone has offered congratulations and support. I knew in my heart that this would be so, however I did make the decision that if anyone wanted to be judgemental, negative and thoughtless, then they would easily be removed from lives before they could make an impact.

'Let him without sin, cast the first stone' An oldie but a goodie and not a truer word written. Sure I wouldn't have wished this for any of my children, and by their very age, mistakes and errors and life lessons are made and they are exactly that. This is not a first choice, but my son and his girlfriend have handled this decision with an adult thought process. Sure there have been some rocky times, there are rocky times regardless of what age or stage of relationship you are in, but I know that my grandchild is going to be very lucky to have these two people as parents. And my older son, daughter and I are going to be around to make sure that all three a supported, we may not always agree, but we always love and support.

The turning point came when I accompanied both of them to the first ultrasound, I was very lucky to be included. The black, grey and white scene came onto the screen and I looked down at my son, it is not until you see your child's face, the first time they see their child for the first time, that you feel that something very special has happened. Of course I could tell at this 12 week scan, that this baby was highly intelligent, it waved to me, as if to say 'Hi Nanny' and did a little Ghangam Style squirm inside it's Mummy's tummy and there was a smile spreading across my son's face, filled with light and joy and contentment. THAT lightbulb moment when you realise this is for real, 'I'm going to be a Dad'

And so lately, today the decision was made to make the news public public. And I have been thinking over the last week or so, what kind of Nanny I am going to be. I know I am not going to be conventional, I know I am going to take my grandchild, ALL my grandchildren, on a life's journey that not all children will experience with their grandparents. We will go camping, singing in the rain, jump in puddles, make mud pies, cuddle up and read, go to the movies, the theatre, the zoo, the snow, we will swim together, look in rock pools for crabs and go fishing. We will cook together and bath together, we will talk together and listen to each other, we will lie in the grass and make pictures with the clouds, and sneak out at night and count the stars, but most of all we will love each other. I want my grandchild, all my grandchildren, to be proud of me and my achievements, learn from me that they can achieve anything they want to achieve, they just have to want, but most of all I want them to know that they are loved, loved unconditionally, by a sexy, crazy, out there Nanny who taught them the joy of living.

A Winters day

It is a cold Winter's day in Melbourne today, and paradoxically it's the first day of Summer in the USA. It is freezing, the wind chill factor is high, or low, whatever let's you know that it is just friggin' freezing; it's raining, the sky is grey, like a gentleman's flannel suit from Peter Jacksons; my hands and feet, although busy are cold, my nose is dripping and the silence of the room is punctuated by an occassional sniff.

It's a cold Winter's day in my heart today, and there is no paradox for that. The scene outside my french windows echos what I see in my heart. The bleak, the wet, the cold, the sadness, the heartache, the pain. An all too familiar journey has been placed in our laps, the journey of watching a love one face the ending of his time with us. It's familiar, and yet it is not something that you can say that you can get used to, because each time is more different from the last and yet it is so familar. In this instance, I am on the outside looking in, watching him slowly readying himself, watching his family, the people I love, live a life of trying to be there, to support, to do the best, find another thing that will help, bring comfort, relieve the pain, and yet I know, from my own experience, that there is somewhere, that you would so much rather be, that you wish there was someone who you could just dump all this on, and say 'Hey you do this. I'm not doing this anymore' because if you hand it over to someone else, it's not real anymore, it's not going to happen, the inevitable WILL NOT be the inevitable; alas a trick our mind and soul plays on ourselves.

I feel helpless to help them, because all I can offer is my arms for a hug, my ears to listen, but regardless of my huge vocabularly, I know there are no words that I am going to say that will bring them the peace or understanding that they so desperately seek. I know because I have been on their journey twice. No one can say anything to you that will bring you peace or comfort, and at times you, the bereved, become the one offering console to those around you, NOW that is a paradox, a paradox you really don't need or really have the energy for, but a paradox that rears it's serpent's head at a time like this.

I cry, warm salty tears run down my face and I don't even realise they are there until I feel them tickle my cheek and I realise that I am remembering times past when we were sharing happy, joyful times, and realising that those times will never be again. That what I remember, the memories, the laughs, will have to be spoken about and laughed about, cried about, so they remain in the present, so they are never forgotten and those who come later, will know the joy of being part of this family.

It's a cold Winter's day in Melbourne. It's a cold Winter's day in my heart.

HAVE YOU MISSED ME?

Well it has been some time since I have put fingers to keyboard and made a post. So much has happened and yet nothing has happened.

I have reassessed a lot in my life, thoughts, feelings, processess, friendships, dreams, activities, plans etc etc etc I have let go of a lot of things and yet I have taken on board a lot of things, we as humans are terrible at dealing with, what is commonly called now days, baggage.  When you scan through candidates on dating sights, most of the men say they want to meet someone who has dealt with their baggage...............What the hell does that mean? Dealt with baggage!!! How can you have lived life and not have feelings about what you have been through in the past. Sure there are many who live their lives as victims based on what their life experience has been and will retell and retell AND retell the story to any new set of ears so that the 'ohhhhs' and the 'ahhhhhhs' and the 'tsk tsk' and the back patting and rubbing starts all over again and they feel that they are up on the pedastal and the emotional need is filled once again, but some of us, who have been through a bit of emotional shit, can usually have the baggage, and sometimes, just sometimes,in a weak momment, it will rear it's ugly head, well you know what.............You deal with it, that's what friends do, deal with it and be there for when they are needed. However that is not the point of this blog.

Actually there really isn't any point to this particular blog, I just felt the need to reach out and say hi and give my thoughts on the world for others to read and judge, comment, laugh, giggle or just go ho hum.

I am a short time away from a week in Phuket, can't wait, just want to run away and be someone that doesn't have a care in the world. That doesn't and hasn't happened very often, and there are those that have made sure they have done everything they possibly could to ensure that I am left to pay for my sins until the day I die. That's how they get their jollies, poor little petals, but how they under estimate my strength of character. I may whinge a little, I may complain, but I always, ALWAYS get up, dust myself off and face the next day, I have only ever run away from one thing in my life, that was done when I was 12 years old, and I am not going to let it happen again.

So, since I last wrote,I have maybe crossed a thing or two off the bucket list, but I know that I have added quite a few more. I have done the day and night photography course, but I have added so many other things, but I have taken the hot air ballooning off for the time being. Little to scary. I have my head in the book studying for my open water diving certificate and I am going to Phuket. I have started a get healthy regime that I feel that I am loosing, but I am not going to let that beat me and I have managed to come off some medication and survived. I am starting to look at the big trip overseas in 2014 and whilst I am still alone, I have met some wonderful and some not so wonderful men and shared a coffee or a meal with them. I have met some men who like to tell women that they want a relationship, but it is only false advertising because if they don't have that on their profiles, then women won't want to date them, or so I have been told. But I value myself more than to just allow myself to be used as a bottom sheet. I could spend days on my back if I accepted the many invitations that I have received. I also will not be used as a fill in when there is no one else around and the usual suspects are busy, you need to value me more than that because I do ;-)

Well that is a bit of a wharble, so much said and yet nothing really said at all.

Until next time..............................

GRAB MA' MACHETE

Oh Brother!

What a couple of weeks it has been, very difficult couple of weeks, drowning couple of weeks, stressed out couple of weeks, but still life has gone on.

For the time being renovations have finished and it is up to me to start the painting, gee doesn't that take some motivation????? But still needs to be done, so I need to get off my ass and start if I want it done before Christmas, which just happens to be at my place this year.

Had a few social occassions to fit in, including a weekend away with girl friends scrapbooking, attending the Cox Plate, which was good in it's self, but I didn't enjoy at all. Moonee Valley would have to be the worse venue I have ever been to; I mean come on, you are at the actual venue and you have to sit inside and watch the races on a big screen because you can't get outside? What is that about? It would be like going to the MCG and watching the Grand Final on a big screen tv inside the venue. WTF???? Also had a family 50th, a Postie Party and a couple of coffee dates catching up with friends.

Work.......well the work is a bit slow coming, not as fast as I would have liked or thought given the gushing of the agency girl, but I thank her because I have learnt not to believe the "Oh you won't stop working we have heaps of shifts to fill every day" speel that is cleary part of the script.  However I am working for the agency and I am on bank with a hospital and I do have another interview on Friday for a permanent part time position (so keep your fingers crossed) and another interview next Thursday for another hospital bank position.

Lots of other personal things going on that I won't go into, but making it difficult at times to focus, to relax, just wanting to put my head in the sand and my arse up, except I am sure someone will come along and like that vision and give me a good shalacking ;-).

And so that is why I have needed ma machete to try and cut through the vines that are slowly tightening their grip on me and wanting to take me up to some giant triffid looking plant, salivating at the thought of eating my juicy tender body. (Good imagery huh?)

48 IS NOT A LONG TIME

The day after, or the next day? Either or. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. 48, 47 and 364 days, 48 and 1 day.

I was not 48 for a long time because today I am 48 and 1 day.

Lots of mixed emotions yesterday, some silly, some not so silly, some justified and some well how can your feelings not be justified? They are after all your feelings, rightly or wrongly, they are your feelings. Feelings can be the make or break of a situations, a relationship, a life, an experience, feelings are up or down, happy or sad, make you laugh, make you cry, powerful powerful things that can change the way a life goes, where a journey starts or ends, where destination becomes the final thought or the begining of another.

How lovely it was to have so many people on FB acknowledge my birthday. Now some may say big deal people on FB acknowledging your birthday, a quick word because a reminder popped up,  but for me, and I may be wrong on this, but for me, this means that those that did send wishes, are real, active friends. They are not there for the numbers, I have achieved what I wanted to achieve with my FB page, remain in contact with people, comment on their lives, have them comment on my life, keep and make it real. I had over 70 comments, yes active friendships in otherwise busy lives, where perhaps the time and effort to post a card would be too much, but a thought to type a kind word, a birthday wish, is so easy to do now days, no less meaningful, no less heartfelt, and so much better on the environment.

Sometimes it is a reminder to me of the impact that I have had on other's lives. Most of you that know me, know me, I don't go around doing for others for what I will get back. I just do because I am a do-er. I can't stop myself at times, and sometimes I should to protect myself, to protect my feelings. However yesterday it reminded me of the impact that I have had on so many lives. I received lovely text messages and emails from people, people from my past asking me when they are going to see me again, people young enough to be my children, people old enough..............well doesn't matter lol. But all the wishes reminded me that I am valued, and enjoyed and wanted in others lives and sometimes we just need to be reminded of this.

So yesterday, on my 48th birthday I went to Ikea with two offspring and to get some baskets for their wardrobes so that a lot of the shit sitting on the floors of their bedrooms and packed in tubs in the hall way can be put away. We come back to a messy kitchen, not all his fault, he was after all installing a bulk head in the kitchen with plaster that does tend to get every where you don't want it to be. Daughter, and oldest son's girlfriend, set about cooking my birthday dinner and choose to cook a lamb roast, something neither of them has ever done before, and a home made apple pie. This day will always be an auspicious occassion just on that fact alone. The leg of lamb marianated in my daughter's own receipe of lemon juice, seeded mustard and honey, with loads and loads of garlic forced into the pierced holes was delicious and the apple pie for my birthday cake, not a bad attempt either. Youngest son did the dishes, oldest son, had set the table and fluffed around doing what he does best...........co-ordinating the others to get the job done and done well; such as taste testing to ensure none of us were poisoned. Tradie thought the meal attempt was pretty good and went back for seconds and Mum was pretty proud of daughter's attempts.

Sadness at those who were no longer there to share the day, thoughts of the other times they were there, the smiles, the laughter, the hugs. Tears welling and rolling down cheeks, heart sad with memories taken out on this occassion to ensure they are there in some capacity. Sadness at those who chose to no longer be there, or even remember the occassion, tears welling and rolling down cheeks, heart sad with memories taken out on this occassion and realising they aren't there in any capacity.

In two years I will be 50, wow, big statement, where will I be? Who will I be? We may just have to find out togethether.