MENDED HEART

This is how I picture my heart. Patched and stitched, scarred and a little rough around the edges and a band aid covering a little non healing wound. It was shattered about 7 years ago by someone who betrayed my trust, lied to me, cheated on me, deceived me, stripped me of self esteem and left me believing that I would live the rest of my life alone, never to trust a man with my heart again. **Sound of loud sliding metal gates slamming shut, clinking of chains being pulled through and clunking of large metal key turning a lock.

Some of you will know the journey I have travelled and looking back (in which hindsight is 20/20 vision) I realise that this man was never going to be with me forever, he was too self absorbed, carried a massive chip on his shoulder, was insecure and needed someone to place him on a pedestal and make him feel good about himself.  The minute I held expectations of him, higher than he was prepared to give, I became redundant. I didn't realise it at the time, but I do now; I will say, however, that he did serve a purpose, he taught me several positive things about myself and that is the reason why I believe he came into my life. For those of you that have never read, Google 'Season, Reason, Lifetime'. I found this piece after the end of the aforementioned relationship and it put many things into perspective. I now live by this thought process, that people come into your life for a season, a reason or for a lifetime. To teach you something, to give you a gift, or perhaps for you to teach someone or give someone a gift, and yes maybe be with you for a lifetime. I have a couple of friends who will fall into this category, but is it possible to have a significant other for this period of time? For me, the answer is no, but everywhere is littered with stories of people who have met, committed and been together until the day they die. I see it, but I'm not sure I believe in it.

When I married in 1986, I believed, truly believed that I would be married to this man for the rest of my life. We talked about loving each other forever and what we would do when the kids had grown up and moved away. It didn't happen, it broke, we changed and I lost believing in forever. So when I met the next significant other in my life I did not believe in love forever. I would never say or write 'I love you forever', but he did. Many written prose, in cards and poetry, sit in my memory box, in which he declared undying love for me, loving me forever, and yet he was the one that ended it. Proving to me that you can't love someone forever. As a society do we have it all wrong? We seem to think we have evolved from animals and we place expectations on society that there can only be one person for you in life. One person that you will spend the rest of your life with, pro-create with, travel through life with and yet there would be what, only 1% of animals that follow this protocol? The internet reliably tells me that there are 11 animals that mate for life, the majority of these are birds and fish, not sure that has a baring on the subject, but I guess not many are mammals (of which humans are a member of) so are we expecting society to conform to something that by it's very nature is not something that is inherit in our DNA.

And so I return to the prose, 'Season, Reason, Lifetime' and believe and follow the lesson in all the people I met along the way. However, once again, I have digressed from the original intent of this blog, it's been 7 years since my heart, or perhaps my soul was stomped on, numbed from ever being able to feel love for another significant other, or letting them in, to allow them near my insecurities, to touch the rawness of my damaged self esteem, to see my vulnerabilities, to hold my feelings in the palm of their hand, as if they were snowflakes, sensitive to heat, easy to melt, and not exist, except as a pool of liquid that will evaporate in the eventually in the sequence of time. I had the Meatloaf song floating around in my mind "Two out of three", almost an anthem because I honestly believed that I would never find love again, that I would never trust someone with my inner most parts of myself, I may travel a road with them for a period of time, learn a lesson or teach a lesson, but never love again. And yet, once again I have discovered that God, Mohammed, Buddha, Allah, The Ethos, or who ever else you want to label the divine force, has other plans for me.

I will, of course, keep you up to date..............................

CONDUIT

So it has been some time since my last blog, over two years, so in order to bring everything up to day this is a conduit blog, just imagine it being a fast forward of your favourite Soapie through the bits that aren't interesting..........Been there, done that and got the remote to prove it.

I have a gorgeous, independent, awe-inspiring grand daughter, who has moved in with her Mum and lives with us. Each and every day is an adventure, a learning curve on how a two year old views the world and the joy in watching my son be a father, my other son being an uncle and my daughter being an Aunty. And what a great job they are doing. I have also taken on another child, well not really a child, child, but another then teenager, my grand daughter's mother who has become my other daughter and I have had to teach her how to be a mother and be there to support her during some very difficult times with her own family. It certainly became a very busy household the day Emelia was born, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Twenty-three days after Emelia was born, her father turned 18. Yes it was a busy, but great couple of weeks and the father of my children came from overseas where he was living and spent a couple of weeks with us, to meet his grand daughter and to be here to celebrate his son's 18th. He stayed here with us, yes he spent about three weeks in my home bonding with his grand daughter and spending time with his kids. It was good to see, and yet so many people around me just couldn't understand how I had the capacity to allow my ex, the man who had caused me so much emotional grief in the preceding ten years, to live in my house as a guest, but really it was quite simple, I loved my children more than I disliked my ex, and their happiness was far more important to me than the hurt he caused. Yes a great capacity to forget the hurt and pain and put other's feelings ahead of my own. But, I will say it did go towards mending a few bridges between the two of us.

Forward another year and Emelia is turning one and being christened. Again Poppy came from overseas to spend a couple of weeks with his grand daughter and his kids AND again I offered to let him stay. What I didn't know at the time was that he had lost his job where he was living and so he needed to apply for another working visa for a new job and his time with us turned into almost three months. Yes three months, he lived here, many times sitting around the dinner table with the kids as if it was old times, laughing and remembering times of younger years. And again more bridges were built, and conversations that should have been had many years ago, were had, things seemed settled. However, without going into it, he did something or he allowed something to happen that hurt me and my capacity to forgive once again has diminished to zilch, zero, nada. He will not have the opportunity to spend time with his children or grand daughter in my home again.

My three kids, well, the eldest has started his own business and doing really well at it. He is happy again, deep down happy and forging his way in the world. My daughter, has flown the coop. she has spread her wings and moved to the other side of the world and has grown into a beautiful, wonderful woman with so much ahead of her, but I miss her like crazy. And as for the father of my grand daughter, he is doing wonderfully, he has changed employers, is happier, is a great dad and growing into a wonderful man.

Travel, lots of lovely travel, China, Ireland, Milan, New York, Viet Nam and many others on the horizon.

And I have recently just gotten back on the dating bandwagon after a two year break, a break that allowed me time to confirm and discover where I want to go in a relationship, what I want in a partner for life and what I am and am not prepared to put up with. I had been with someone since I was 18 years old, 21 years with my ex and 7 years with another significant relationship. In the first three years of 'being on my own' I went pursuing a relationship, someone to fill the void of not having a significant other, but for the last two years, being on my own has allowed me time to discover me, a new me. Oh the old me is still there, some things you can't change, but many things you can. I am me, more positive, although the demons are still there, waiting to bubble over and crust over like a pot of rice on the stove. But I continue to change and grow and probably will continue to finesse who I am until the day I die.