Wednesday, September 2, 2015


This is how I picture my heart. Patched and stitched, scarred and a little rough around the edges and a band aid covering a little non healing wound. It was shattered about 7 years ago by someone who betrayed my trust, lied to me, cheated on me, deceived me, stripped me of self esteem and left me believing that I would live the rest of my life alone, never to trust a man with my heart again. **Sound of loud sliding metal gates slamming shut, clinking of chains being pulled through and clunking of large metal key turning a lock.

Some of you will know the journey I have travelled and looking back (in which hindsight is 20/20 vision) I realise that this man was never going to be with me forever, he was too self absorbed, carried a massive chip on his shoulder, was insecure and needed someone to place him on a pedestal and make him feel good about himself.  The minute I held expectations of him, higher than he was prepared to give, I became redundant. I didn't realise it at the time, but I do now; I will say, however, that he did serve a purpose, he taught me several positive things about myself and that is the reason why I believe he came into my life. For those of you that have never read, Google 'Season, Reason, Lifetime'. I found this piece after the end of the aforementioned relationship and it put many things into perspective. I now live by this thought process, that people come into your life for a season, a reason or for a lifetime. To teach you something, to give you a gift, or perhaps for you to teach someone or give someone a gift, and yes maybe be with you for a lifetime. I have a couple of friends who will fall into this category, but is it possible to have a significant other for this period of time? For me, the answer is no, but everywhere is littered with stories of people who have met, committed and been together until the day they die. I see it, but I'm not sure I believe in it.

When I married in 1986, I believed, truly believed that I would be married to this man for the rest of my life. We talked about loving each other forever and what we would do when the kids had grown up and moved away. It didn't happen, it broke, we changed and I lost believing in forever. So when I met the next significant other in my life I did not believe in love forever. I would never say or write 'I love you forever', but he did. Many written prose, in cards and poetry, sit in my memory box, in which he declared undying love for me, loving me forever, and yet he was the one that ended it. Proving to me that you can't love someone forever. As a society do we have it all wrong? We seem to think we have evolved from animals and we place expectations on society that there can only be one person for you in life. One person that you will spend the rest of your life with, pro-create with, travel through life with and yet there would be what, only 1% of animals that follow this protocol? The internet reliably tells me that there are 11 animals that mate for life, the majority of these are birds and fish, not sure that has a baring on the subject, but I guess not many are mammals (of which humans are a member of) so are we expecting society to conform to something that by it's very nature is not something that is inherit in our DNA.

And so I return to the prose, 'Season, Reason, Lifetime' and believe and follow the lesson in all the people I met along the way. However, once again, I have digressed from the original intent of this blog, it's been 7 years since my heart, or perhaps my soul was stomped on, numbed from ever being able to feel love for another significant other, or letting them in, to allow them near my insecurities, to touch the rawness of my damaged self esteem, to see my vulnerabilities, to hold my feelings in the palm of their hand, as if they were snowflakes, sensitive to heat, easy to melt, and not exist, except as a pool of liquid that will evaporate in the eventually in the sequence of time. I had the Meatloaf song floating around in my mind "Two out of three", almost an anthem because I honestly believed that I would never find love again, that I would never trust someone with my inner most parts of myself, I may travel a road with them for a period of time, learn a lesson or teach a lesson, but never love again. And yet, once again I have discovered that God, Mohammed, Buddha, Allah, The Ethos, or who ever else you want to label the divine force, has other plans for me.

I will, of course, keep you up to date..............................

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